Most Couples Ignore This One Habit That Secretly Weakens Their Bond

It is every one of us that desires to have a deep and long lasting bond. It’s a core human desire. We long to have a relationship which is secure, affectionate and indestructible. However, our relationships are slowly dying away away, so many of us. We cannot date back the moment when it began.

There was no big fight. No major betrayal. It just… faded. The fact is that there is usually one habit that is undermining their relationship and most of the couples just do not realize that it is taking place. It is an insidious, day to day exercise that undermines trust and intimacy.

This is not that harmful habit. It does not mean dropping socks on the floor or forgetting anniversaries. It’s subtler. It is the tendency to prefer a bright screen to the individual who sits directly across you.

This is now the enemy of modern love that is the most unseen in a hyper-connected world. This is what you need to know in order to achieve a better relationship and establish a love that can withstand the test of time.

The Unseen Enemy in Your Hand

And how may we call this habit what it is: phubbing. It combines the word phone with snubbing. It occurs when you are literally present with your partner but your heart is a million miles away on your phone.

Also it seems harmless, right? You are only responding to a fast mail. You are simply browsing through your feed a minute. But these minutes add up.

Why Is This Habit So Common?

We don’t do it to be malicious. We have phones that are addictive. Each notification, like and comment provides our brain with a small dose of dopamine. It feels good, productive and important.

We deceive ourselves that it is fair a moment. But to our partner that second is an eternity. It puts across a message, loud and clear. It is more interesting than you are on this screen.

The greatest gift that we can give to other people is our presence. When we practice mindfulness toward people that we love, they will grow like flowers.

Thich Nhat Hanh

This relentless distraction on the Internet interrupts the little, sacred moments that form a relationship. It does not allow free flowing of conversation. It prevents unintentional looks and caresses. In the long run, it causes such a great gap of emotions between you and your partner. You can be in the same room yet you are a world apart.

The mute Erosion of Connection

imagine your relationship as a powerful rope. It is created out of thousands of small threads. The threads are all mutual laughs, encouraging dialogue, an hour of mutual comprehension. You snip one of those threads every time you pick up your phone when you are ignoring your partner. One snip is no big deal. But hundreds of snips a day, a day? The rope starts to fray.

It Unleashes a Message of Powerful Devaluation

Looking at your phone when your partner is talking, you are non-verbally communicating to him/her that he/she is not your priority. They are secondary about their thoughts, feelings and stories.

Whether you are still listening or not, it does not make a difference. The message has been sent. In the long run, this renders your partner unheard and unimportant. They may start to share less.

Why waste time, they are competing with the whole of internet to grab your attention. This can be explained more in terms of the manner in which your partner listens. It tells so much about the wellness of your relationship.

It Murders Haphazard Intimacy.

The real relationship is achieved during the in between times. The common smile at the time of watching a movie. The light conversation during the dinner preparation. The muffled dialogue prior to bedtime. It is at such times that emotional intimacy is in blossom.

Phones kill these moments. We do not look at one another, we look at the screen. We miss out on the small momentary things that are the blood of a relationship. When you feel such is wanting, understanding how emotional intimacy enhances relations is a crucial move.

It generates a Retaliation Circle

Here’s a common scenario. Your partner does not pay attention to you; he or she is attached to his phone. What do you do? You pull out your own phone. It’s a defense mechanism. It is a method of easing the pain of rejection.

You have two individuals now, sitting next to each other, in their respective lonesome digital worlds. This creates a vicious cycle. The bigger one gets his/her phubbing the bigger the other one is phubbing, and the bigger the distance between you becomes.

Chart: The Phubbing Effect

This is a simple grid illustrating what you believe your phone use to mean and what your partner really experiences.

Are You Guilty? A Self-Checklist

It is easy to blame and this is a practice that most of us engage in unconsciously. Be honest with yourself. How many times do you engage in the following? This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. The first step towards change is being aware. These relationship issues have small beginnings.

The Dinner Table Divide

You sit down for a meal. It is one of the rare moments during the day that you get to interconnect. Is your phone on the table? Do you not pick it up the moment it buzzes? Do you scroll during the conversation of your partner? A safe haven of connectivity, at dinner table should not be a recharging station to your devices.

The Bedtime Barrier

The bedroom must be a place of intimacy and sleep. To most couples though it has turned into another office or entertainment space. Are you on the scroll till you fall asleep? Are you saying good night to your Twitter feed and not your partner?

This habit affects your relationship and the quality of sleep directly. This is even one of those habits that leave you exhausted without your even knowing it.

The Conversational Black Hole

Your partner is narrating to you on his or her day. It’s important to them. You nod but you are looking at your phone. You may hear here and there a word, you miss the feeling and the non-verbal cues.

Also you fail to have the opportunity to connect. At times, even a simple text would be totally misunderstood due to the lack of the context of the immediate, focused communication.

Self Assessment- The Phubbing Scorecard.

On a scale of 1 (Never) to 5 (Always), rate yourself on the following situations.

Recapturing Your Moment and Your Relationship.

Identification of the problem is fifty percent of the battle. The positive thing is that it is still possible to undo the damage. This habit of weakening bonds can be broken, and a closer couple relationship can be established. It takes deliberation, commitment and uniformity between the partners.

All the difference between a normal life or an extraordinary one is a question of direction. And our habits are the determiners of the direction.

James Clear

The Power of “Tech-Free Zones”

This is the best tactic that you can put in place at night. Establish phone free zones in form of time and place. It does not mean a punishment, it means commitment to your relationship.

• The Dinner Table: Make dinner a screen-free holy period, discuss, see one another. Share your day.
• The Bedroom: Accept to keep charging phone in a separate room overnight. The bedroom is of sleep and love only. This is a mere change that can help improve the two dramatically. Poor sleep is a common result of relationship stressedness, but it can be solved by establishing a relaxing environment. As a matter of fact, there are simple tricks to fall asleep at any time in 5 minutes that have worked miracles to some people.
• The Home 30 Minutes: When you or your partner come home after work, spend the first 30-minutes together. No phones. No TV. Simply connect, embrace and move on with your workday to your evening out.

To learn more about the advantages of unplugging, have a look at this amazing article on the need to take a digital detox published by Psychology Today.

Talking about What You want (Without a Fight)

When your partner is the main phubber it can be a challenge to raise the topic. You do not wish to come across accusatory. Use “I feel” statements.

Rather than yelling: You are a phone addict!

Attempt: When you are talking and looking at your phone, I feel unimportant and somewhat lonely. I would give anything to have no time with them.

It is a method that deals with your emotions and not their behavior, and this is less apt to cause them to feel defensive. So It paves way to a positive discussion. It has one of those little things they do–or a little thing they change, to be precise, in this instance, that they really care.

Rebuilding What Was Lost

Stopping to do something bad is just one part of the solution. You should also substitute it with good ones. You must be ready to reestablish the lacking relationship. It is here that magic is done. It is all about being thoughtful in your time and attention.

Producing New Rituals of Connection

Rituals are powerful. They are little, regular things that are indicators of safety, affection and priority. These do not need to be enormous gestures.

1. Morning Coffee: Coffee has been your breakfast. Have it and grab your phones together. Take 5 minutes and simply discuss the day you have in front of you. Eliminate the usual mistakes in the morning which begin your day in stress and disconnectivity.
2. Evening Walk: Another communication method is an evening walk that lasts approximately 15 minutes around the block after dinner, without telecommunication devices, which can be unbelievable.
3. A How Was Your Day That Counts: It is not enough to ask a question. Put your phone down, look in the eye and be listening to the answer. Ask follow-up questions. Show you care.

Table: Habit Swap to a Better Bond.

This table demonstrates the way to inoculate a destructive habit with a positive one.

Destructive Habit (The Old Way)	Constructive Ritual (The New Way)	The Result
Scrolling through phones at dinner.	Having a “no-phone” rule at the table.	Real conversation and connection.
Watching TV in separate rooms.	Choosing a show to watch together.	Shared experience and physical closeness.
Scrolling in bed until sleep.	Reading side-by-side or talking for 10 mins.	Better sleep and increased intimacy.
Grabbing phone first thing in the morning.	A good morning hug and kiss.	Starting the day with connection.

The Art of Being Present

All these strategies are reduced to the following: the presence. Being there is the antithesis of distraction. It is the willful act of giving all your energy to the present moment right now– to your partner.

The Gottman Institute, a relationship research center that is recognized worldwide has demonstrated that turning toward your partner when he or she beckons you towards connection is the foundation of a happy marriage. Whenever you place your phone aside in order to listen, you are turning to them.

Beyond the Phone: Lessons with Unlikely Teachers.

The principle of being is not limited to our phones. It’s about a mindset. It has to do with making a choice in favor of the real world over digital obsession. We can sometimes know most about this by the most simple sources.

Consider how a dog, that is devoted to you, meets you on the door. They aren’t distracted and do not check their notifications. They provide you with 100% undivided attention made with joy. Everything in them is to say, You are the most at present in my world.

There is much to be learnt in that simple, here and now devotion. It is quite amazing to consider how faithful this type of dog can be and use that lesson in reality in connection with our human relations.

Even then you can make your partner miss you more by simply making a personal decision of putting away your phone. The more your time together is of good quality and direction, it will be worth more and demanded. Lack of presence causes the heart to become fonder, yet presence causes the bond to be stronger.

Chart: The Way to Reconnect.

This chart graph illustrates how one can change their relationship trajectory between being disconnected and connected.

The Future of Your Relationship Lies in Your Hands

The mute, crawling habit which insidiously is undermining their relationship is strong, but you are stronger. It is up to you to make a decision. You have a choice of your phone, or you have a choice of your mate.

You can either be distracted, or you can also be connected. So you may either allow your relationship to run slowly out of shape, or you may choose to stitch it tighter, one day-present at a time.

It won’t be easy at first. You have a strong pull of your phone. But each time you struggle with it you vote in favor of your relationship. You make it clear: You are more important. Start small. Start tonight. Lay the phones aside and face the person you love and offer to them the greatest gift of all- your attention.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)